Yeah, I am pretty paranoid when things boil down to supernatural/spiritual things that could possibly happen. My friends and I were supposed to go to a fair today. The fair itself is pretty huge and has some awesome rides. Anyhow, yesterday night my sister and mom told me not to go.. but then afterwards said its fine and to just go.. whatever. Its just kind of over priced. So I figured thats the reason they were trying to get me not to go.

Then later on while I was watching a drama about this guy who could see when people were about to die, my friend called me up and told me that my OTHER friend's older brother said he felt as if we shouldn't go to the fair. He felt like God was speaking to him. I know what a lot of people will think if they read this... like, oh, what a religious nutcase, and what a bible-thumper or whatever they call it.. but things like this shouldn't be taken lightly.
So they said they prayed about it. Come next morning, I decide not to go. Its just to risky for me.. thats what I think. If there are signs telling you not to do something, but you really wanted to.. would you just go ahead and do it? Then again, if something was meant to happen to me, it'd happen anyhow somehow right? Annoying thing was, is that I was really looking forward to going and having fun. Thats what makes me irritated.
Anyways, they called me up this morning telling me that they were going to go because they got no sign telling them that they shouldn't. I guess its easier for other people who are closer in their walk with God. So I thought, maybe its okay for them to go, but not me? Maybe I wasn't meant to go.

I know a lot of people out there do not believe in a God anymore. And I think I can understand that, the way things are going now, its hard to believe anything unseen can exist. Sometimes I feel like just letting go and not believing in anything either. I feel like it'll be easier.. like whats the point? I wonder if athiests have it better in the meantime. Like, they seem to have no worries whatsoever.

In any case, my friends invited me to a bible study tonight, but I don't know if I want to go to that either. I have a feeling that if I do, I am just going to get depressed because they will talk about signs of the end of the world .. and other fun stuff like that. I want to live. I want to do things in life and accomplish things. Not sure what yet, but I'm getting some ideas.

I just don't want the world to end, and I don't want to die young either. I feel like this whole situation has just gotten me really paranoid skittish.

I'm hungry, tired, depressed, pissed off.. my eyes hurt, I have contacts in.. I'm to tired to cry but I'm still crying.

I want to change myself for the better and act like a mature adult but all at the same time I don't want to. I want to die but I don't want to die. I want to cut myself to make myself feel better but I know it'll only last a second before I'm numb and then want to really die.

I want to argue and fight but then I'm sick of it. I want to hurt others but then I know I'll feel bad later on or while I am hurting others. I just don't care anymore but I still care.

I want to cut my brother out of the picture that was on the wall but I think, what if something bad REALLY does happen to him and I regret it. I hate him so much I wish I could just disown him as a brother. He doesn't even know me anymore... but I don't think he really cares and I'm the only one hurting. It hurts cuz I used to get along with him somewhat, but I guess now hes just another american that works too much and is an alcoholic. I hate him so badly. But then we all know that really deep down I don't. At least thats what I think.

I'm feeling so selfish and immature but I guess I don't really give a damn. I get so angry I get tired afterwards. I want to scream and scream and rip all my hair out.. I want to break everything in my path. And then die. die again. and again. Melt like the wicked witch. But then I don't want to die. I hate mixed emotions. You want to do one thing but not because you want to do the other.

I'm going to turn into the most bitter lady on earth. I hate myself. I have fucking low self esteem but at the same time I don't fucking care what people think.. how does that work? Its like, I act like I have low self esteem until someone brings it up, then I want to deny it and get all big headed and act like a queen....... I guess you'd call that denial.

Its so stupid. I love how hate is such a deliciously vicious word. Just like fuck.

I'm still hungry. And I still hate everything..I am so depressed. Like a deflated balloon. No more will. But I still want to fight to prove everyone wrong. That I'm not who they think I am.

Wow. I feel like I did all this stuff for nothing. Not really but.. still.

So last year at the convention, I registered on the last day of the convention. Pre registration y'know? It was $25. Cheapest it gets. Well its eight days now before the convention and my sister went and contacted someone from registration to make sure that we are indeed registered. And apparently we are not. Because they are fucking stupid and can't even keep organized with forms. You'd think that those would be first priority since its like the first registration forms they got.. but I guess not. I'm despairing because for once this year we are totally ready.. for the most part. Just fixing up a couple of things on costumes, getting some loose ends all together.
Everything was going just fine until yesterday. The guy said he'd look for the forms.. I told my Dad about it and my Dad said that someone probably pocketed the money.

I wouldn't doubt it. Since there really isn't any evidence of us paying. We payed with cash. The form and cash goes in a sealed envelope. This is all bullshit to me. Tch.

-- hikari

People are so screwed up. No wonder we fell so damn easy.

Supposedly our family is so closely knit. I highly disagree.
I wish my rising sign was a capricorn as well. Why did it have to be scorpio? And why the fuck do I have to be pmsing right now? Actually I'm not sure if I am anymore. I think I just cry to easy. Yeah. I also realized that if I argue, keep talking, I am to busy to let myself cry. Its nice. So when I have someone yell at me over something stupid that isn't true, it just frustrates me and makes me cry. Its really annoying. I wish I couldn't cry.
I'm so ugly when I cry. I feel so weak sometimes.

Oh you silly people, no I haven't done speed. Its far less interesting then that.

I have such a huge guilty consience, as annoying as it is. I feel guilty FOR SPEEDING!! Well, I wasn't speeding for no reason mind you.
Y'know those merge signs that say to merge right or left because the lane turns into a one lane? Well, we have one of those on our way back home, and whenever I am driving home, I make sure I stay on the lane that turns into one lane so that I don't have to cut anyone off. Anyhow, so I'm driving along all fine, so is everyone else.. and then this idiot, I can clearly see him through my rearview mirror, speeding up past everyone for I don't know what.. but that just pissed me off. Why couldn't he merge back there behind other people? Just out of courtesy? Is it just because everyone is going to slow? Was I going to slow? I always go the speed limit, so I suppose thats slow, but I don't have the money for speeding tickets.

Anyhow, I just press on the gas and let the car rip, shooting to 65 in a 55 real quick. The guy figures I won't let him pass cuz I'm just being a bitch, and he merges behind me real quick. Tailgates. I don't really care. For some reason though, I HATE HATE HATE when people don't merge when they are supposed to. But I suppose what makes me feel guilty for speeding is wasting gas. I am so damn frugal its pathetic. You can tailgate me all you like, but when you should be merging, MERGE DAMMIT! Oh yeah and use your blinker. Just to be polite.

But most of all what bothers me, is that I haven't really been driving for even a year, and I'm not counting my practice months.. those are practice. I think that makes me feel the worst. Putting the car at risk to get damaged, and putting my life at risk. Actually, the car I was using is not MINE, its my Mom's. So its even more guilt tripping. If I'm going to speed in any car I should speed in the '94 Diamante my parents gave to me to use. >< I have to be more careful though. Another thing is that if I get a ticket, insurance will go up so I can't risk it.

Isn't it funny how your temper causes you to do such irrational things? Lately my temper has been screwing around with me. The other day I made a small moon shaped hole in the wall. >,< *hits self* Shame on me. This year is already going to be work.. first stop complaining, and now I have to watch my driving and temper... yikes. I am prone to road rage, its bad. Any tips? >,

Funny how you can go from being in a good mood, to annoyed, to angry, and to just plain smoldering fury. I'm feeling like I want to scream and scream and cry and break things... Which is not the sensible way of doing things, so I just sit here and type and sigh.

 How do I say.. my Dad hates listening to what anyone else has to say. They never listen to any advice, or never ask for any. My sister's pomeranian has some sort of condition where she gets sick if you giver her human food especially if its greasy and fried. Everytime my Dad eats he MUST give her some sort of table food. The dog always has to be dewormed 'cuz shes always getting sick... and gets diarrhea.. It seems he especially never listens to anyone when it comes to dogs. I'm not perfect when it comes to dogs or animals, (they seem not to like me) but I try my best when we do own a dog. Anyhow, basically I got into a little argument w/ my Dad about not giving her food... but all past months I've been on the verge of stupidity.

 The last time I blew up, it was because I got into an argument with my Dad... I was so angry I thought I was going to die. It was over some small shit, but I apologized.  Because I'm not a proud person. And I have humiliation. I think everything is my fault. Anyhow just recently he gave me his iphone because he got the newer version, and now I don't think I want it anymore because hes been known to be a bit of a blackmailer. I really don't like to talk crap about my own Dad, because its disrespectful to the MAX, but sometimes I just get so angry. I can and I can't help it. What a contradiction.

 I had so much more to say a day or two ago.. and now I cannot remember what I wanted to say.
About not getting a job, and how I think I should volunteer but I lack the total motivation to get off of my fat lazy fucking ass to do it. I feel so hopeless.. about the job situation.. actually about every situation. My so called friends who were being all friendly and shit a month ago haven't called me in a while when they used to call me every other week or so.. that was fine. And I'm fine with them not calling but, it just seems weird. First they want to hang out 24-7 and now they don't seem to care. I have known these twins for 15 years, we've always got a long, and now they are acting like ... so wishy washy. I was thinking maybe I should call them, but.. I just don't give a damn now. Some good friend I am eh? Actually, its more procrastination on my end. I'm not sure if I should, because I don't know WTF is going on.. some I'm not sure if they suddenly decided to get busy, or get mad at me, or think I'm boring and hang out with their other Girl/friend.  Kay I'm done talking bout that shit.

What else has been nagging me? Whenever I get angry and get into arguments with any of my family members, I always feel bad afterwards because they do so much for me. And I don't get into arguments often but when I do I stay mad for a while. And I guess thats what makes me feel bad as well. I hate being young and immature. Not having ANY experience with anything. Basically not with life itself. I think I want to go to the library again to work on my characters.

 Its snowing. I hate snow but if I were to move somewhere tropical I'd miss it. Isn't that stupid? So I guess I only dislike it.
 What a bland journal.. it sucks that I am not humorous or charming. I wish I were. Actually I wish I were someone else. Period.

 - hikari

God said not to worry because worrying is sin.

 Worrying is probably one of the hardest things NOT to do.

Especially if your sister is in the hospital.. And everyone around you is worrying.

UGH!!!
Okay, lets say that your in your room minding your own damn business, and the phone starts ringing right? Well, someone else is closer to the phone, so you expect them to answer the phone right? They do answer the phone, but its for you!!

So they get mad at you for 'making' them answer the phone for you.. how fuckt up is that.

I'm sorry readers. All my journal entries make me sound so ... bitchy. I read everyone elses entries and they are all so happy. >< I feel bad. Or maybe not.

Ugh. Sadly I failed my drivers test yesterday.. I did all this stupid shit. I don't even want to talk about it anymore because I already talked about it to my sisters yesterday.. I don't want to repeat all the stupid mistakes I made. Next time, hopefully I'll pass??
It was mostly my fault I think cuz I felt really unprepared.. but then at the same time, I was kind of just doing it to see what I should expect.. And I knew I was going to fail. But when I actually did, I didn't want to accept it. I HATE failure. And when I do fail, I beat myself mentally. Instead of trying to better myself.

haha! So today I was washing the dishes minding my own danm business..
thinking about how horrible my skin was acting up lately. I have cystic acne you see, and rather lately I have been breaking out.. resulting in ugly skin and ugly scars.. I was wondering how on earth anyone could think me beautiful? None has really ever outright told me that I was pretty.. of course you have your friends who will tell you otherwise but thats because they see the beauty IN you.. your personality convinces them that you are pretty. That is .. well... not satisfactory for me. I want to have beautiful skin like my sisters. Unfortunately fate doesn't smile down upon my pitiful self.

Ah well. There goes my pity party. haha!

And now there are two japanese animations that I have gotten myself into now. Samurai Champloo and Gintama. I know I know, they've been around for some time already but I usually don't watch every anime out there.. I'm into anime but way not the extent as some people. The only anime that I started watching before it got popular in the USA was Naruto. I just recently started on Bleach too.
I was suprised how good Samurai Champloo was. Also I was rather pleased to find out that Mugen was from the Ryuku Islands, myself being part Okinawan. XD
Also I started watching Samurai 7 a while back.. that was interesting as well. I really like shorter anime series.. I don't like it when they go on and on and on.. forever seemingly. Its like, hurry up and get to the point.. unfortunately Naruto does that. And Bleach. Ah well.
Ramble ramble on about nothing. I'm going to go update my journal's looks now.. and check out my friends page.

- hikari

Sometimes I don't know what to start writing about or what kind of introduction to have on my journal entries. Kind of funny. Because I think some people just start writing like nothing.

Besides that, right now I am watching Alexander(2004) online. Its a bit interesting. I heard that a lot of people didn't like it. I have no clue why. But.. whatever. I suppose history freaks won't like it maybe because something is off history-wise or something.

Lately in Minnesota the weather has been pretty nice. Suprisingly, since I believe that Minnesota has a bad case of untreated bipolar disorder.
This past weekend, my parents, sister and I spent it putting up this new shed that my sister bought for all her stuff. She has so much .. stuff. Boxs and boxs of artwork and paper and books. She is moving back in and she wants to put it in the shed because her room will be to stuffy if she puts everything in her room. What I don't get though, is IF my parents are really planning to move to Okinawa,Japan like they say, and my sister plans on moving there also, whats she going to do with all that stuff?? It stresses ME out just thinking about it. And its not even my stuff.

Speaking of moving, I don't know what the hell I am doing. I need to apply for FAFSA. I am checking that out right now.. my brain is already getting jumbled up because I haven't been using the poor thing effectively in the past couple of months... I feel so STUPID!!!!


Oh well. Then while I have to do that and apply for entry in a school and bullshit, (I am so unprepared) I have been feeling a little depressed and blue lately. Maybe because I am pmsing and such.. I don't know. Usually I get my PMS before not during. How about you?


*sigh* I feel like the few friends I have really aren't my friends. Like, I'm here for their convenience. Like, they can call me up whenever just because they know I'm always free or I'm always there...

Very lately I feel as if I being used. I really don't have anything that anyone wants, but I think my niceness is being taken advantage of, by my closest of friends.
I feel that, since I was younger, I have always been very nice and a pushover. A lot of people around me have gotten very used to me being that way and now, if I am mean or get in an argument with something, they feel as if I have no right to, simply because my character changes, and I am supposed to be the nice pushover person. People run all over me. And its really annoying. It makes me furiously angry.. I feel sometimes that even my own family members run all over me as well.. they think they have the excuse of doing so just because they are related to me. And I don't feel that is right at all. I love my family and they have my support, but when push comes to shove, my character and actions will turn really ugly. Its mostly my siblings who run all over me. Just because I am the youngest. I really feel like I need to change my character a bit. Change who I am. I am to lenient on everyone. And its horrendous because me being the youngest, I feel as if I need to really work for my respect.
As the youngest person in the family, you are automatically the lowest, therefore, everyone automatically sees you as being the one to control. Basically, its making me angry because noone is treating me as an equal.
And I HATE trying to argue with older people simply because they, because of their pride of being older, will REFUSE to see your part of the argument because your younger...so me not arguing about it comes across as passive, and .. a pushover. I think I shall become very bitchy.
My mom said it'll be better AFTER I get a job and start school ... I feel the same way too. Once I am not there for everyone's convenience and after I start acting like a major bitch maybe they'll fucking lay off.

I really need to grow an extra head and become a stronger person.
- hikari

Yuck.. so today I went out driving with my mother-dearest. I still only have my permit (don't laugh!!! It's not funny!)

So I was at a red light in a right turn lane.. and I was about to go.. actually right at the same time when I was turning, the OTHER red light straight across from me turned green to let the people in front of me turn into the same lane I was already turning into.. so I had to speed up like fast.. just put it this way, it was a close shave. I was already starting to turn so I couldn't have stopped or I would have stopped in one of the lanes.. kind of like.. no other choice right??

The driver of the white gran prix that was turning into the same lane got REALLY p.o.ed at me and honked.. it wasn't one of those, "beeep!!" It was one of those drawn out kinds like "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!"
That made matters worse for me because its my first time making an actual mistake where someone will get mad at you.. and I .. suprisingly have a big guilty conscience so I already felt bad for going when I should have not.. but it was one of those situations where you can't help it ..

I think the driver of that gran prix tried to catch up with me to give me the bird but I wasn't looking at their car. What I don't get, is why couldn't they just simply slow down since I was already turning and .. it was a bit obvious.. God, but I didn't even get in an accident and I got shaky..

And it makes me really feel like a horrible driver over all. >< How am I supposed to pass my drivers test??!!!

Oh yeah and a warning to all my readers, people that drive gran prix or grand dams in general, are extremely bad drivers.. I know this is contradictory because of what I just got done telling you, but in all honesty I've never come across cars with drivers so arrogant or asshole-ish. Every time you see a gran prix or grand dam they are always speeding, or tailgaiting someone super bad. Its like .. just because your car LOOKS all sporty doesn't mean you can speed or 'push' other people off the road. In my opinion those cars are fucking ugly. And besides, the first time I've ever had a bad driving experience was today.. and guess what kind of car gave me bad feedback? A gran prix.

On other good news, the weathers fine.. it finally started thunderstorming.. and guess what I found?
------ edited picture out ----

Who needs men when you've got pixelated goodness?? ♥♥♥ jk jk.. heehee.

- hikari

My Final Fantaty 7 game.
I borrowed out to my brother, thinking that he was super responsible only to find that he borrowed out to his friend.. I don't know if his friend ever really gave it back to my brother because my brother can't find it anywhere amongst his stuff.

So now I must try and buy it online, the cheapest being like.. $100.

Also I would like my eyesight back too.. I saw someone else write that down as an answer.. people with good eyesight make me mad when they wear glasses just for looks. Having bad eyesight is a curse.

- hikari

Its over. The convention is over. hah! It went by so fast too.. But I don't really mind because if I was stuck there for more then three days I would have lost my mind. Three days of crazy people is enough for me.. I'm not a crowd type of person. Anyhow I only sold two prints and made like.. $30 off of commissions. I was surprised that someone asked for a commission... but I think it was all thanks to my partner next to me who was doing commissions herself.

I cosplayed Neji Hyuuga from Naruto.. the older version of him.



I don't know if it is any good BUT I do know that this one girl at the convention kept on bragging to me of all the cosplays that she was doing.. she did the same Neji as I did.. and.. yeah.. I won't say much but.. she was super snobby about it. I didn't like her so I took her off of my devart. She wasn't very nice.

It was fun to see a couple (literally) of close friends.. all the other people turned out to be not as nice as I would have liked them to be.
My partner and I were a bit depressed at how people have no character. Its almost like a lack of soul. I remember I used to get that way all the time in high school. I haven't gotten that feeling until now. Also we both saw my partner's ex-friend. My partner talked to him a bit.. to try and be nice, but he seemed like such an asshole. Heres the deal: He stopped talking to her just because of one time that she didn't hang out with him because she is always busy. So .. he just stopped talking to her for that reason. Not very understanding for a so called friend right?

ANYHOW I also added thatreevesgirl as a friend. I met her in the artist's alley and .. shes very very nice and a great artist. She encouraged me to keep trying with art.. so I really owe her one. Shes inspiring.

What else.. lots of good cosplayers and lots of.. UGLY not good ones. I don't mean to be mean or cruel but.. half assed is never good. There is much to say yet I cannot think of it all..

Usually I come back from the convention all raving about how fun it is but now its got me contemplating/questioning my so called 'art talent' and all of humanity.

- hikari

This is how I exactly feel.

I am so sick of my own artwork. It sucks.. I draw people's heads so small.. everytime too.. argh.
Sometimes I want to give up on artwork. Its so annoying.. and then I always tell other people to draw for themselves and please themselves... but I never follow my own advice.

I am obsessed with pleasing other people with my art.. I have no idea and its a horrible habit. If someone finds something wrong with one of my pictures.. its such a huge deal to me. When I was younger, in elementary school, the other students would be so amazed with my supposed skill. Nowadays, its like.. I draw something.. and then.. people are like.. "Thats it??"

I don't blame other people though. My art is repetitive and boring.. I don't mean to be having a pity party but.. I just don't feel well about my artwork on any level.

Oh yes and then to top it off, .... its the most wonderful time of the month.. get it?? *hint*
Anyhow in case you didn't get that.. I've been having cramps all day. But they are light for now.. its strange. Most of the time I get really super bad evil devil cramps but I guess they decided that lighter is better now. >.> And the dog is licking my foot again.
Tsk.

- hikari

Oh god. Someone help me. I feel like ... puking. I hate it when I get that anxious.

So this is the deal. My friend called me. I haven't heard from her in .. well almost a year.
Her birthday is next weekend and that is also the same weekend as the convention. The thing is .. well... I will be busy at the convention all weekend.. but I also know that she really wants me to come along I guess to the circus with her and her friends.. she wanted to invite close friends... I know some her close friends.. we've known eachother since childhood.

My sister is counting on me to be around for the convention because she needs help and such.. so I'm being torn both ways.

>> Well I just got done talking to my OTHER friend on the phone... and she said to just stick to my original plans. I feel better though after talking to Catherine (other friend). She put me at easy.

Let me explain. There are many types of people... I am the unsocial - type. Then there are the sociable types that have many many friends.. I am the unsociable type that has only a couple of super close friends.

I am the type who likes to talk about videogames and anime and .. overall stereotypical supposedly DORKY things.. my friend that wanted me to go out with her for her b-day is the.. fashionable, sociable, popular girl that has to many friends... she likes to talk about clothes and men. Plus you only can get along to an extent.

Y'know.. people say that just because you don't have the same interests with people doesn't mean you CAN'T get along.. I agree BUT when you hang out its rather dull. The two people won't be on the same page.

I have so many thoughts in my head right now and so many different ways of explaining it.. but I think you might see my point by now.. *sigh*

-- hikari

OMG!!! I am so angry right now.. I could.. if I were any object or anything else other then myself right now, I would probably be a heat - seeking missile right now because there are rather.. three people I would love to blow up right now.

Actually I would love to punch myself.. right now too. If my doppelganger was here right now I'd tell it to punch me right in the face.. this is so uncalled for.

So I bet you are all confused right about now.. I mean, whoever is reading this.
Last year ago (and a couple of months) I let my brother borrow my FF7 videogame. I remember going to gamestop and buying it for 17.99 I believe. My brother wanted to play it so I let him borrow it being the nice little sister that I am. Then what does he do???
He goes out and lends it to his friend. Well, they've known eachother since high school so ... and they seemed like pretty damn good friends.. well apparently, ever since my brother started dating that whore of a girlfriend he stopped talking to all his friends.

And ... in the middle of last year or maybe even at the start of last year I started asking my brother back for my videogame.. WELL, I never got it back.. because I decided that I could wait and see what would happen. Now I am mad because its my fault for borrowing things out to untrustworthy people.. namely my brother.

And I also called up my brother's ex-friend and he said he thought he gave it back to my brother.. but he also said he actually remembered giving the videogame back to me in person... how does that work??? Does any of that sound suspicious to you guys?? I am so fucking confused and angry. What am I supposed to do??

This guy I know said my best bet would be to go to the game kiosk in the mall and check there.. otherwise he said he might be able to sell his to me without the case.. which I don't mind as long as the videogame works. I just want to play it for fuck's sake.

ARGH!!!! Why on earth does it have to be so hard just to get something back??

Also, another reason why I have suspicions that my brother's friend might not be telling the whole truth is that THAT game is very rare and also.. is being sold on ebay for $300 ... apparently he didn't know that when I told him... that was my mistake.. so now if he really has it then that means he probably will sell it off and then say he really doesn't have it.

Also my brain is playing evil tricks on me. I am actually imagining that he did give it back to me since I have such a vivid imagination. So now I don't know who to believe.. me, my brother, or my brother's ex-friend.

What a useless rant. I wish someone could help me so bad... but theres only so much others can do for you. I am even having the hardest time trying to calm/control myself.

I was telling my mom earlier that I feel like one of those parents who appeal to their child's kidnappers on TV. Please gimme my kid back.. haha. This is so fucking sad.
-- hikari

Ah yes. Yet again. Attack of the bipolar people.
I really don't know what to do anymore with my sister or my dad. Unlike my sister my dad is not on medications and it is very frustrating. I have a giant headache and I need advil. Plus I have slight cramps. Lovely.
Anyhow my sis was getting really irrational this morning.. I was talking to her on the phone.. she says shes so depressed and feels suicidal. So I told her to call her doctor and tell them that she needs her meds NOW. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to go have a smoke..

I haven't smoked in a couple of months. I actually am not a actual smoker. I just smoke when I feel like it.. I actually started smoking at the beginning of last year.. and I usually smoke every like.. 6 months. Last time I smoked I was actually getting used to it.. but now I cough again like a starter all over again. And topping it off I actually got buzzy too.. which is funny, because the cigarettes I smoke are ultra lites. Sad huh? I still have that headache.


Anyways, reading chochajin's livejournal makes me a bit depressed. Its wonderful for her, but for me it makes me depressed. I would have grown up japanese hadn't my dad moved to the US.. I actually would have been born there also... its a fate that was taken from me... so she should consider herself one of the world's luckiest ladies.

Now I have to go for something I don't care for in college.. I feel like I don't belong here at all. But.. deal with it is what they say. I know I sound depressing.. and in a way I am a bit.. but at the same time I just feel numb about it and accept it because thats all there is to do.
All there is .. to take things one at a time.

Now I sit here and worry about tomorrow and my family. We are a close, tight-knit family, but its unraveling. Slowly, but surely, I feel like everything is falling apart. And I almost feel like I am waiting for it to unravel. Pretty sad. Sad life we live.

-- hikari

I cried a little but not so much as if I were there.
It was worse saying goodbye to Rouben because he was actually passing away.

So its official. Today Sonny went to the German Shepherd Rescue and Adoption in Brooklyn Park Minnesota. I think its legit BUT I didn't see it listed in the German Shepherd Club of America online. They don't euthanize the dogs and Sonny will be staying in a house till the lady can find him a good home. I hope he behaves himself and gets a good home with teenagers who are going to school so they can play with him. And love him too.
It makes me so angry though. Why does everyone I know get to keep their dog and yet they don't pay enough attention to it? (Minus Ruth and Faith) And I keep on thinking I hear him coming up the stairs, ready to play catch...
In honor of Sonny I shall post pictures of him.










To me Sonny will always be my honey. And I'll miss him forever.
- hikari

AGH!! SO! I am back. Like the profile? I snazzed it up a bit .. changed the background image and the header. Thats all. I was to lazy to go through the whole code and change all the colors..besides, its not my code right?

Anyhow the trip to Okinawa, Japan was alright for the most part besides it being depressing because of my Grandpa passing away. I shall post some pictures of my traveling but not to many.. not a lot of people are interested in Okinawa anyway, its usually mainland.



This was right when we got to mainland. Thats the Narita airport..doors.



This is Okinawa's tram. Very small and very short but it helps and a lot of people use it.


vending machines be everywhere!!!


This really made no sense at all to me but apparently this was the only bathroom stall with an ashtray. What bathroom stall has an ashtray?? I'm going to sit here and take a piss and smoke.lol


One of the very few pictures that I got of Tokyo.. compare Tokyo with Okinawa and Tokyo is vast and there is a huge different. Tokyo looks modern and Okinawa looks very rustic. Anyone could tell the difference. One day I hope to explore mainland.


If anyone wants to see any other pictures I've taken just ask. Otherwise thats all I am showing for now because my pictures aren't that interesting and I am not that great of a photographer.

For other news, I am having the worst time trying to decide what to do with Sonny. Sure hes my Dad's dog, but noone has any time for poor Sonny. I have to get my license and find a job..and then I can't take care of him..and my mom and dad can't take care of him either. My mom wants him out just because..I don't know why.. its such a hard decision and I swear I am going to go insane over it. I'll feel horrible if we give him up to a shelter and at the same time, I'll feel relief because I need to get started with my life...
Anyhow I'll post more later.
- hikari

P.S.